On the Road [again] Read online

  As Carolyn looked around, she was sad for the young woman. There was a beat up desk with a chair that had a seat so worn it didn’t appear it would last the week. There were no pictures on the walls, or niceties. There were two cheap folding chairs collapsed and leaning against a wall that was smudged with something unpleasant looking but probably benign.

  Anna took over the questioning.

  “Gwendolyn, we don’t want to make your life any more difficult than it already is, we just want to know everything you know about Barry so that we can make sure he doesn’t get out of prison and interfere with the life of someone near and dear to us. It’s that simple. We aren’t going to make any trouble for you at all. In fact, we are probably going to help you keep Barry out of your way too.”

  Pickles let out a very long breath, and gracefully lowered herself until she was sitting cross-legged on the floor.

  Anna and Carolyn each grabbed a folding chair and opened them up, Anna purposefully placing one in front of the door and motioning for Adeline to sit on it. Carolyn took the other chair, and Anna sat on the edge of the desk. That spot was the Alpha Dog spot, and Anna took it quite naturally.

  “Honey, I know it doesn’t feel that way right now, but we are actually here to help you. Just take a breath and relax. Tell us how you met Barry and why on Earth he has so much power over you that you feel like you have to run and hide.”

  “How did you find me?”

  “It wasn’t that hard. Internet. Mostly. If you help us, I’ll help you to go back and erase all that you can so someone else can’t do what we did.”

  “I almost believe you.”

  Anna sat a little straighter. “One of the things you will find out about me is you can always trust me. I don’t lie.” Pickles could tell that she’d offended the older woman.

  “It’s not that. I have a couple of trust issues. My life was going good, until I met him. He seemed like such a nice guy. He was handsome and outgoing. Real friendly, but not creepy friendly. We seemed to have the same goals and the same background. It was so quick and so easy, and then it all fell apart, and then I fell apart, and I’m just getting myself back together, and it’s all going to fall apart again.” Pickles started to cry.

  Carolyn took a tissue out of her purse and handed it to her.

  “Thank you. Okay. If I have to do this, I have to do this. What’s one more indignity?”

  It was Adeline’s turn to be offended. “Our goal is not to relieve you of your dignity. It is to help you restore it in full.”

  Anna started the questioning. “Please, just start at the beginning, and tell us everything you know about Barry.”

  “Looking back at it, it all seems kind of smarmy, that’s the word my mother used, but at the time it was flattering and magical and everything I thought I wanted. Whatever. Okay, from the start… ”

  Pickles spent the next thirty minutes giving the girls a semidetailed account of her relationship with Barry.

  Some of it they already knew. Like the fact that they had met at an alumni event for the school and then had spent virtually every moment together. They went from strangers to intimates to a couple in what seemed like moments.

  Carolyn chose not to use the opportunity to point out the problems with current society and that you can’t instantly know a person, that knowledge takes time. Why are the young so willing to accept it when they say it takes ten thousand hours to become an expert at something, but then those same young people only invest a handful of hours getting to know a person before committing their heart and soul to them? No wonder so many relationships end in flames. Hadn’t her Suzi done exactly that? Hadn’t she taught her anything?

  Pickles continued with her timeline. She and Barry were planning a life together. A house in the suburbs. They would each devote all their time and energy to their careers for six years; then, well established, they would start their family.

  Pickles recounted all the things a normal young couple would do and dream of with no indication that anything was awry.

  Carolyn kept puzzling the fact that Pickles seemed so normal.

  Which might have been a comfort were she not in hiding, obviously terrified of the thought that Barry might find her.

  When she began to wind down, Anna couldn’t hold back any longer.

  “Gwendolyn, all of that is all well and good, but what we are looking for is why you are so scared of Barry and just what it is that keeps you that way, even after we told you he is locked up and can’t get to you anymore.”

  “I’m getting there. That came later. Like a nanosecond before we split up, and I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I figured he’d go away and cool off, but he never came back from it. I’d still be with him” — she visibly shuddered at the prospect — “and I never would have figured it out. I’d be living with a monster, and just how long would it have been until he turned on me? It’s like all those people that have scary dogs, and they are amazed because one day their pretty little pooch turns on their kid, and the kid is in the hospital, and all the neighbors are saying, ‘I knew this would happen one day,’ and they’re like, ‘I never saw it coming. I had no idea.’”

  They sat quietly while Pickles put her thoughts together. Watching her face was difficult. She had no barriers left. Her emotion was raw and painful for the girls to watch. Each of them was nurturing in her own way, and to see this young woman so damaged and not take action to comfort her was difficult.

  “Everything was going great. I mean perfect. We were on the fast track. At work. At home. My family loved him. He was so charming. Did all the right things. Said all the right things. That should have been a clue. Nobody is that good. Nobody is that romantic. Nobody is perfect, and if there was just one perfect guy out there, why would he be interested in me?”

  Anything the girls said would sound patronizing, so they chose to say nothing at all.

  They had become such good friends in such a short time, it was almost as if each knew what the other was thinking.

  Isn’t that very dynamic what had put Pickles in danger?

  “So, one night I’m at his place — we hadn’t moved in together yet, but we were talking about it. Anyway, so I’m at his place, and he went to the store. He never had any food in his house, and we were gonna grill some steaks. I looked like hell, so I didn’t want to go to the store. I was gonna stay at his place and take a shower, and he was gonna go to the store, and then we were gonna have a nice dinner, and it was all nice and normal and storybook, and that should have been a red flag or whatever, but it wasn’t. I go and take my shower, and I come out, and I’m feeling better ’cause it was so hot and sticky like it always is in Florida, and anyway I come out, and I decide to use his computer to check my email. It’s not like I was spying on him or anything. He let me use his computer all the time, so what’s the big deal, right? So I tap the return key, because I know his password and I just want to wake the stupid thing up, and there it is, all over the screen, and what could I do? It’s like a car wreck. You can’t just look away.”

  Pickles looked at the girls like she was expecting an answer. Anna said gently, “What was on the screen?”

  “Oh, yeah, duh. It was porn. Tons of it.”

  “Many men — ”

  “No, not that kind of porn. I’m talking really sick stuff. Guys on guys, which is weird if he’s with me, but maybe he was bi or something, and you know that whole joke about college experimentation, so even though it really weirded me out, I was so stupid and so consumed by this freak that I was actually willing to look the other way, so to speak. But then I started looking around, and it was the sickest stuff I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean really sick. I mean they shouldn’t allow stuff like that to be on the Internet, because what if a kid saw that? I swear it would ruin them for life. It was ugly, and it was violent, and it didn’t make any sense at all because he was always so wonderful and gentle and romantic with me, and here is this stuff on his computer. Lots of it. Like a
terabyte or maybe two. And this was a few years ago. Do you know how much a setup like that was worth then? He had that kind of money invested in sick, sick stuff.”

  The girls didn’t move. They didn’t want to spook Pickles. She seemed fragile and frightened beyond reason, but it was still unclear why.

  “So, I’m thinkin’, how did I miss this? I’ve used his computer before, and I’ve never seen anything like this. He must have left it logged on to a separate account. I should have just walked away. I’d just discovered the guy was a freak. I should have left it at that. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I had to know more. That’s just who I am. You know something, and you can be too curious. Being too curious can be dangerous.”

  Both girls looked at Anna, but said nothing.

  “I just shut it down. The computer, I mean. When Barry got home, he saw that there was something wrong. By the way I was acting. For some reason I just lied my face off. I told him I got a call from work. That one of the women had been brutally raped. I wanted to see his reaction, and the story explained my weirdness. For the first time, I saw something was off. Way off. He wanted to hear every detail. He made all the right comments, but they never made it to his eyes, you know what I mean? If I hadn’t seen all that sick stuff on his computer, I would have just written that off as him being uncomfortable with the subject matter, but knowing what I knew, I could see him for what he was.”

  Pickles stood up. Anna was afraid she’d try to bolt, but instead, she just stretched and sat back down.

  “I still couldn’t leave it alone. I started doing all kinds of research on porn and why someone becomes addicted to it and all that stuff, but it still didn’t make any sense to me. I can understand porn, but his stuff was sick. Anyway, I couldn’t let it go. I’d stayed up all night and done my research, I knew I couldn’t look him in the eye, or he would know what I’d seen, I wasn’t comfortable with him knowing that I knew, and I sure as hell was never going to let him touch me again. So, I decided I’d break with him that night. I’d called in to work and told them I was sick, which was true, and I did more research all day long, but I just couldn’t justify in my mind how this really great guy had all this really sick stuff on his computer.”

  “What did he say when you broke up with him?”

  “Well, that’s when everything went to shit. I just can’t keep my damn mouth shut, especially when I’m scared. I did that good girl thing, where I felt like I was a bitch because I was breaking up with him and the right thing to do was to see him in person, even if I didn’t have the guts to be honest with him about why I was leaving. So I asked if he wanted to come to my place for dinner, because I figured I’d have more control over the situation at my place and I didn’t want to get into it in public, just in case I started to cry or whatever. So anyway, he comes over to my house at about seven, and one look at me, and he knew something was up. I told him I didn’t think we should see each other anymore, and he asked why, and I didn’t know what to say because he would know I was lying if I lied, and I had no idea what would happen if I told the truth. I know it’s kind of trendy right now for the whole sick sex thing — or at least the rough sex thing — but back then we didn’t talk about it, and I was totally traumatized. If it was popular back then, I’d never heard about it. Anyway, I wasn’t going there, so I told him that we were moving too fast and I needed time and maybe we could get back together later. I don’t know exactly what I said, but I do know it was completely disorganized mush, and that is totally unlike me, believe it or not.”

  The girls each gave a sympathetic smile, but said nothing.

  “I thought that was the end of it, but then my curiosity got the better of me. What an idiot. I’m not really a hacker, but I knew how to get into Barry’s computer from my apartment because he had done work on it that way from my apartment before, and I got to thinking that maybe that connection would come back to haunt me, and I was just so curious what else was on his machine or where it came from or whatever that I couldn’t help myself. I logged on. I thought I got in and out without his knowing. He was at work, so I had all day to hunt around in his files. I’m not going to tell you ladies any details, but I will tell you that the stuff that I found was a lot worse than the stuff that I saw when I accidently saw what it was that I saw. I was glad that I broke up with him. At first I thought I should call somebody, but then I decided that since all the people in the pictures and movies seemed to be adults, it was a victimless crime, really, so I kept my mouth shut. Maybe that makes me part of the problem, because nowadays you hear about all this sex trafficking stuff, but back then, I didn’t know anything about anything. Anyway, I’ve paid a pretty damn high price myself.”

  Pickles took a very deep breath and continued. “That’s what really screwed me up. I think I could have dealt with Barry and all his weirdness. Turns out his relationship with me was pretty much to cover his really perverse reality. He hates women. I mean, he really hates them. Like you couldn’t possibly believe.”

  Carolyn couldn’t help herself. “I do believe you, unfortunately.”

  “I stepped into it big time. When I logged on to Barry’s machine, it brought me to the attention of some very scary people. The people that Barry worked with in all that sick stuff. I don’t know if distributor is the right word, because it was bigger than that, and it turned out that that terabyte of sickness was just a drop in the bucket of his depravity — as my mom puts it — but the people he dealt with are a hundred times more scary than Barry.”

  “Is that why you are on the run?”

  “Partially. If I’m honest. But at the time, they were enough to motivate me to do just about anything. They showed up at my apartment. I thought they were going to kill me. Scared the shit out of me. Then they scared me even more. They told me that if I mentioned anything to anyone, ever, they would make sure I was one of the girls in those pictures. Can you imagine? Me? I’m not going down that way.”

  Adeline asked, “Have they been in contact with you since then?”

  “Not really, not since I walked away from everything anyway. They put the fear of God in me, and they knew it. I have no reason to tell anybody about their stuff. That has nothing to do with this anyway. It’s just a motivating factor.”

  Carolyn didn’t want to break the spell. She was afraid that having come this far, Pickles would suddenly clam up, and they would never know what the true hold over Barry was. She knew that Pickles was becoming more skittish with each passing moment. She didn’t want to do or say anything that would silence the girl, nor did she want her friends to do so accidently. She said, very gently, “Sorry for the interruption. Please continue.”

  “No problem, so anyway, I get this visit from the two scary guys, like something out of a movie, and they leave, and about two hours later Barry shows up. At first I just wasn’t going to answer the door, but then it dawned on me that he had a key, so what’s the use, right?”

  The girls all nodded confirmation.

  “So I let him in the apartment, and before I could say anything, he slapped the shit out of me. I go flying back and smash my head on the wall, and I’m all like, what the hell, because he had never hit me before, and he just looks at me. I’ve got blood running all down my face from my nose, and I’m not sure if I’m gonna pass out because I really hit my head hard, and I figure if I pass out he’s gonna beat me till I’m dead, so I didn’t know what to do.” Pickles took a breath and tried to slow her words down.

  “I’m from a family that doesn’t even believe in spankings, and here I’ve got this guy that’s gonna beat me to death, and I’m totally unprepared and scared out of my mind.” She shuddered, even after all the time that had passed. Carolyn couldn’t help but see a little bit of Suzi in Pickles.

  “He was a lot scarier than the guys that came to the door about the whole porn thing. I guess I should have realized that if the guys knew about it, Barry would know about it and that he might do something like that. I knew he would be mad, but I swear
to God it never dawned on me that he would beat me to death. Seeing the look in his eyes after he hit me, I knew he might just do that.”

  Pickles shook her head. “I don’t know what came over me, but I said to Barry in this really strong voice, ‘That’s your first mistake. You only get one,’ and I stood up, and I felt like I was totally in control. Fierce, you know? And I got this huge rush of adrenalin. My brain was going so fast, and it seemed like I could think clearly. I figured if he killed me, then he killed me. I was so scared, and I was so mad, and I don’t know what happened. It was like in that movie where the one personality takes over when the other personality can’t deal with it. It was like I didn’t have anything to lose, so why not go for it? I felt like I was the one with all the power.”

  Pickles was still amazed; you could see it on her face, hear it in her voice. “When I stood up to him, he totally backed off. He burst into tears and said he was sorry, that he didn’t know what had come over him. He cried and cried, and I felt sorry for him. Talk about sick. I actually felt bad that he had hit me, and it made him unhappy. Okay, I’m not saying this right. At that moment, when he burst into tears, and I mean the real thing, I felt bad. Here was this guy I thought I loved, and he’s going on and on about how he’d made a mistake. He just needed the money. It was a victimless crime — which is exactly what I’d told myself earlier — and that he didn’t like the stuff, it was sick and depraved and degrading, but he’d needed money because he came from nothing, and he was trying to pay off huge debt because he was all his mother had. A friend of a friend wanted a little help with computer stuff, and computer stuff is what he did, and they paid him huge money, and now he was in over his head, and the bad guys had seen me logged in, and they’d threatened him, and he was scared what they would do to me.” Pickles shrugged her shoulders and looked from one of the women in front of her to the next. She searched their eyes for something negative, some excuse to discontinue her story. All she saw was empathy and concern.